Nobody likes a smart ass!

There came a time, as the Children of Israel were wandering in the wilderness that they approached the country of Moab. Now Balak, the king of Moab, was terrified that this huge mob would destroy his country. The word was out that the Israelites had recently come up against the Amorites and pretty much beat the crap out of them.

Balak knew of a seer at Pethor named Balaam who had the power to bless or curse people by the spoken word. Balak sent a deputation team to Pethor to convince Balaam to come to Moab and curse the Israelites. Balak promised him a divination fee and even further great rewards if he would come and curse the Israelites.

Since making oracles was his source of livelihood, Balaam saddled his ass and took two servants and set off for Moab. Yahweh had to put a stop to this nonsense, so he told one of his angels to stand in the road and wave a sword to stop them. They were traveling toward the setting sun and Balaam didn't see the angel, but his ass whose eyes were shaded by the trees, spotted him immediately and turned into the field. Balaam got mad and hit his ass with a stick to turn him back on the road.

So they went a little further down the road. Soon they were passing between two walled vineyards. The angel again took up his position in the middle of the road and began waving his sword. The ass edged as far to the right as he could, scraping Balaam's foot against the stone wall. Again Balaam got mad and beat his ass with a stick.

Finally, the angel took up his position at a place where the space between the walls was very narrow and again, began waving his sword. The ass pulled up short and Balaam flew head over heels to the ground. Balaam got so mad that he beat his ass mercilessly.

Now the ass had had enough of this beating he was getting from his master. He turned to look at Balaam and opened his mouth, saying “What have I done to you, that you have struck me these three times?" Balaam said to the ass, "Because you have made a fool of me! I wish I had a sword in my hand! I would kill you right now!" But the ass said to Balaam, "Am I not your ass, which you have ridden all your life to this day? Have I been in the habit of treating you this way?"

Just then the sun slipped over the horizon and Balaam spotted the angel waving his sword. The angel said to Balaam, "If you had gone on, I would have spared your ass, but I would surely have killed you. Then the angel added, “The next time you get your ass in a narrow crevice, I will not spare you.”

Centuries later, an American president by the name of Richard Nixon faced impeachment proceedings and went to his old friend, Senator Barry Goldwater for help. Mr. Goldwater, recalling the story of Balaam and his ass, said to Nixon, “Every time you get your ass in a crack, you come to me to pull it out. Well, this time I cannot save you.”

The moral of the story is: If you are so filled with your own importance that you forget to turn off you tape recorder, and you hear the voice of a donkey coming back at you, you better get off your ass and run for your life.